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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27190372">and i fell for the lie that i told</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbhmalum/pseuds/jbhmalum'>jbhmalum</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>5 Seconds of Summer (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>5+1 Things, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Paparazzi, also prentend the no shame tour happened bc i want it to have happened, i wanna say it's stupid but it's fake dating so that seems obvious, maybe i made 5sos more famous than they are shh just go with it, rating for language mostly, some angst but it's no angst fest</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 04:15:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,880</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27190372</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbhmalum/pseuds/jbhmalum</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><em>"If Calum is being honest — and Calum is always honest — it starts out as something completely innocent."</em><br/> <br/>*</p><p>In which cashton get annoyed at the paps for always being there on their coffee runs and so they start to fuck with them. And the fans. And basically the entire world. Calum really shouldn't be that surprised when he starts catching feelings.</p><p> <br/>OR: 5 times Calum and Ashton pretend to be a couple in front of the cameras, and 1 time they are one, for nobody but themselves.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>107</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>and i fell for the lie that i told</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>a fake dating au?? from me?? the question is how didn't it come sooner right?</p><p>seriously this started because i was talking to <a href="https://wheniminouterspace.tumblr.com/">shal</a> (thanks for letting me talk to you about this for a week fvbqekhbf actually thanks for letting me ramble about fics 24/7 ily) about those first pics of cashton out together in like june and then i remembered all the other coffee runs and i was like oh! shit well this calls for a fake dating au doesn't it!</p><p>i hope this is a stupid enough reason to fake date! enjoy :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>1.</b>
</p><p>If Calum is being honest — and Calum is always honest — it starts out as something completely innocent.</p><p>Being in a band for almost ten years is bound to bring you close to your bandmates. To make you attuned to their mood changes and to the stuff they get mad at and to the stuff they love and to how they react to the little things. After almost ten years, any group of best friends who <em>also</em> happen to be colleagues and spend eighty percent of their time together is bound to become like family, and people are inevitably going to pick up on, well. Mainly everything.</p><p>Being in<em> this</em> band for almost ten years means all of that, but Calum is pretty sure they've abolished all boundaries that would still exist within this family dynamic in any other band. Maybe it's the fact that he's known most of them since they were teenagers, one of them since they were literal children, or the fact that they spent their growing years living out of each other's pockets, or maybe they're all just more intuitive than most. Maybe it's a combination of all of this, but either way they're all so in tune with each other that it's like the other three are just like another limb, an extension of their own bodies that sends signals to their brains just like any other body part. </p><p>All that to say, they all know when something's wrong. Especially Calum. And especially when it comes to Ashton, for some reason.</p><p>Either way today's their first day back in L.A. after these incredibly satisfying but exhausting months on tour, and they could have been doing absolutely anything but Ashton had asked if anyone wanted to get coffee together this morning, and Luke and Michael both said no, which means Calum had to say yes. Not that it was a hardship, or that he wouldn't have said yes anyway. Some people might be surprised, but despite living together for months on end during tour, they don't get tired of each other. Michael does, sometimes, probably, but he wouldn't admit to it, and when he does it doesn't last more than a few days before he's practically begging to hang out.</p><p>And so here they are. Calum comes back to their usual outside table at Starbucks after a quick stop to the bathroom to find Ashton sulking into his iced coffee, tousled hair not enough to hide the expression from Calum. Expression which was definitely not there five minutes prior, even though Ashton hadn’t been as chipper as he usually is.</p><p>“What’s up? Someone piss in your drink or something?”</p><p>“Yeah, the barista actually,” Ashton deadpans before taking another sip. Calum does <em>not </em>struggle to hide a chuckle when he almost misses the straw.</p><p>“Liking it?”</p><p>“Meh.” Ashotn shrugs. “Could be better. Will have to ask for a discount.”</p><p>Maybe Calum will have to give some credits to the fans, because they might be onto something when they say Calum thinks Ashton is the funniest man in the world. Thankfully Ashton is too busy frowning to notice the way Calum’s pursing his lips trying to stifle his laugh at his terrible joke. If one can even call that a joke.</p><p>“Seriously, though,” Calum insists. “What’s got you all sulky all of a sudden, mister positive?”</p><p>“Forget it, it’s stupid,” Ashton shrugs off.</p><p>“Ash, dude, come on.”</p><p>“Okay, fine, it’s not stupid. It’s <em>dumb</em>.”</p><p>“Hey,” Calum scolds, because he will not have that. “Stop that. What’s wrong?”</p><p>Instead of saying anything Ashton motions to his left with his empty hand, and it takes Calum a minute to notice the pap doing a very poor job of hiding behind a car across the street. Chances are he’s not even trying to hide at all. After all, it’s not like he’s here every single time he and Ashton go out to get coffee or anything. Well, him or someone else, they're all the same to Calum. They’ve learned to get used to it, though. It’s hard to go anywhere without getting their picture taken against their wills and some days it feels more invading than others, especially if the paps are being rude or even more disrespectful, but it comes with the job and they have to live with it.</p><p>Apparently Ashton isn’t having it today, though.</p><p>“I know, man,” Calum concedes. “Sucks, but what can you do?”</p><p>“Yeah I told you, it’s stupid.”</p><p>“It’s not. I don’t like it any more than you do, you know?”</p><p>Ashton shrugs and goes back to his iced coffee, and they both fall silent for a moment under the camera’s eyes. Calum’s own drink is long gone. He doesn’t trust the fall air to not cool down his hot chocolate, so he didn’t take the time to savour it, downing the whole thing before his trip to the bathroom. It’s not that cold, after all it <em>is</em> L.A., and Starbucks drinks tend to be way too hot to have time to cool down, but you can never be too careful with hot chocolate. Hot chocolate is sacred, and Calum lives by that.</p><p>Ashton’s iced coffee, on the other hand, can rot in hell. Calum may laugh a little too easy at Ashton’s every word, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to agree with every one of his bad choices. Especially where drinks are concerned.</p><p>“You know what,” Calum says after a while. “Now that you’ve mentioned him, I can't pretend he isn’t here and it’s getting creepy. And disturbing.”</p><p>“And annoying,” Ashton adds.</p><p>“And you can say it all you want, cause it’s true.”</p><p>“I hate complaining, you know that,” Ashton starts, “cause I’m so fucking grateful that we can do what we do and live off of it. But fuck, man, sometimes I wonder at what cost. Not that this is a huge cost, some people have it worse, I <em>know</em>, but I would die for my privacy on days like today. It’s like a little bit of control is taken away, and I hate it right now. I just don’t feel like being used.”</p><p>“It’s okay,” Calum assures, and Ashton already knows it, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t need to hear it. “It doesn’t make you any less grateful. Just more human.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>They stay here a couple more minutes until Ashton is done with his drink, and by the time they get up and start heading back home the lines on his face look a tad more smoothed out. Nowhere near how Calum would like him to look, but he understands that you can’t just flip a switch and be fine with a situation just because you usually don’t mind it as much. And he knows Ashton is hating feeling like this, that he’s probably even more annoyed at himself than at the situation itself.</p><p>“Hey,” Calum says when they’ve been walking for about ten minutes and the pap is still following them, finger relentless on the shutter release. “Wanna have some fun and make this worth their time?”</p><p>“What do you have in mind?”</p><p>“Do you trust me?”</p><p>Ashton frowns. “Usually I do, but right now I’m not sure.” </p><p>“Hey!” Calum pouts. </p><p>“Kidding, I do,” Ashton adds through a chuckle.</p><p>“Okay. Give me your hand.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Your hand. Give me your hand.”</p><p>Ashton does, hesitantly, and before Calum can think about whether this is a good idea or not he takes it in his, linking their fingers together and leaving no room for confusion as to what they're doing.</p><p>“What are you-”</p><p>“Just go with it.”</p><p>He does, thankfully, or Calum would have looked like an idiot right there. He squeezes Calum’s hand slightly, palm warm against his, which Calum isn’t complaining about. Maybe he <em>was</em> getting cold, after all. There’s some sort of unbalance as their bodies are pulled closer together when Calum accidently pulls Ashton towards him, but they fall back into place as if they’ve done this a million times before. They haven’t, obviously, and that’s made clearer when the clicking on the pap’s camera goes absolutely haywire, the guy almost tripping on himself — probably thinking about the money he's gonna make with this — which has Ashton laughing earnestly into Calum's shoulder. </p><p>Yup. Guess they're close enough to be able to do <em>that</em>. </p><p>“Fuck, dude,” Ashton says through his laugh, “you’re gonna get us in trouble, you know that?”</p><p>“Probably,” Calum agrees with a shrug. “Made you laugh, though, didn’t it?”</p><p>“You gotta admit it’s kind of comical.”</p><p>“What, us holding hands? Dating?” Calum asks.</p><p>“Well, I guess that, too. But just. You doing that.”</p><p>“Are you saying I’m funny?”</p><p>“Shut up,” Ashton says, but he's laughing still, so he probably agrees.</p><p>Maybe twitter will go off tomorrow, and maybe after that their phones will be ringing with phone calls from confused and possibly angry managers and his sister will ask him to explain himself and he probably won’t be able to, but for now Ashton’s hand is pleasantly warm in his, and at least Calum gave him a modicum of control back.</p><p>Which is exactly what he wanted out of this. </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>2.</b>
</p><p>Going on a run with Ashton is never a good idea. In fact, going on a run with Ashton is a <em>terrible</em> idea, and everyone including Calum is aware of it, which is why he makes sure to always avoid doing so.</p><p>And he's been successful so far. Partly because Ashton doesn't ask too often, and partly because Calum can always pretend to be doing something else when he does.</p><p>But Ashton showed up at his house earlier this morning ready to go with a bright smile and his gym clothes on, and it was indubitably clear that Calum had nothing interesting nor important to do, which is why he’s now out of breath failing to catch up with Ashton in the middle of L.A..</p><p>Calum wouldn’t say his endurance is terrible. And that’s because it <em>isn’t</em>. He likes exercising, has for years, and even though he’s better at working out and building his muscles up, he’s good at cardio, too. His trainer would always tell him so, back when he still had one, and Calum would have fun teasing Luke and Michael for being so far behind him and looking like beginners whenever they were training together. He’s pretty sure Luke is still mad about that. </p><p>So, Calum’s athletic prowess is rather good.</p><p>But Ashton’s is <em>unspeakably</em> good, somehow, and if Calum didn’t know any better he’d think he was rubbing it in his face right now, constantly twenty feet in front of him. But he’s not, of course, he can’t help it that he could go for hours — Calum will not think about what else that could entail — and not get tired. Ashton can't help it that his body basically isn't human. It’s not, it can’t be. Calum can’t keep up though, his own body more sore than after a full workout session. He wants to ask for a break before his lungs burn out, but he's a bit too proud, even if it's just Ashton. And everyone else in the streets. </p><p>Either Ashton reads his mind, which wouldn’t be a stretch at this point, or Calum looks even worse than he feels because next thing he knows Ashton stops next to an Alfred Coffee, and Calum sighs in relief when he catches up to him, hands on his knees and spitting his lungs out. He must look absolutely horrendous. He really hopes no fan is about to come up to him and ask for a picture. Or, god forbid, a <em>hug</em>. </p><p>“You alright there, Cal?” Ashton asks, barely out of breath, and honestly, fuck him.</p><p>“Fuck you,” he says out loud, because Ashton deserves it.</p><p>“What, out here? Didn't know you were such an exhibitionist.”</p><p>“Oh my god, shut up,” Calum says, laughing despite himself, and he doesn’t blush. He doesn’t, that would make no sense. Thankfully if he does, he’s already red-ish from running and no one will notice. At least he hopes so. </p><p>Ashton claps his back with a laugh. “You cool down while I get us a drink, alright?”</p><p>Calum nods, but Ashton has already disappeared behind the familiar doors.</p><p>He straightens up, only to lean against the wall outside the shop, trying his best to catch his breath. His throat hurts the way running outside when it's cold does, like it’s been scraped raw. Which might be a tad dramatic, but it sure feels like it. He’s the one who looks like a fucking beginner, now, thank you very much Ashton. He just needs his hot drink to get here, and to not think about what Ashton said and how Calum reacted so weird to a joke that was just waiting to be made. He just needs to get his head together. He isn’t used to pushing his body so hard, not that way, at least, and now he’s a bit dizzy from it. Nothing to worry about.</p><p>Drink. He needs a drink.</p><p>One thing’s for sure, though, he’s never running with Ashton ever again unless he gets to set the pace.</p><p>“Here you go,” Ashton comes back before long, handing him the same usual hot chocolate.</p><p>“Thank you. Does that mean I have to pay for yours next time?”</p><p>“Obviously,” Ashton replies because that's the thing to say, but he doesn't mean it. They don't keep track of that sort of thing. 

</p><p>Calum takes a sip, feeling the hot liquid go down his throat deliciously. Yeah, that one is better than the Starbucks one.</p><p>“Doing better?” Ashton asks when they head on, settling into a nice walking pace. Calum can see a pap further down the road, probably waiting for them, and he hopes Ashton won’t see him. His impressive stamina might be annoying, but he’s in a good mood and Calum doesn’t want that to change just because that fucking guy can't respect his privacy.</p><p>“Yeah, thanks for the drink. But fuck, I'm never running with you again. You’re a monster.”</p><p>“Well thank you, I’ll take that as a compliment.”</p><p>“No seriously,” Calum insists after another sip. “You aren’t even– you’re barely sweating. What are you made of?”</p><p>“Rugged handsomeness?”</p><p>“Oh fuckin’ shut up, will you?” Calum laughs. “Does you being both a swimmer <em>and</em> a drummer have anything to do with you being able to go forever? Cause if so, that isn’t fair at all.”</p><p>Ashton shrugs. “I mean, probably. Also the fact that I fuck people on the regular.”</p><p>“What the <em>fuck<em>, Ash.”</em></em></p><p>
Calum almost chokes on his drink, cheeks growing hotter and hotter by the second as he tries to get back his senses, looking around to make sure no one has heard Ashton fucking Irwinsaying that so carelessly. Thankfully apart from a guy raising an eyebrow their way as he passes them, no one seems to have noticed. Thank fuck.
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Ashton is crazy. Does he not know that they’re in L.A.? And that there’s a pap not thirty feet in front of them?</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
When he dares a look towards Ashton there’s a satisfied look on his face, smirk visible even as he’s sipping on his drink which– isn’t an iced coffee, apparently? Whatever. He’s drinking while looking smug as hell, a red tint to his skin that Calum hadn't noticed before, and all of this paired together should not be attractive, but Calum knows that if that guy is getting a pic right now Calum will read about how hot that is for weeks. Not that he himself thinks it’s hot, or anything. Or, well. Objectively, it is. Though it’s probably just because <em>Ashton</em> is attractive. Objectively.
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>“Are you crazy?” he tells Ashton. “Saying shit like that out here. Have you not seen that pap over there?”</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>“Oh, I saw him.”</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
“Well then what– wait.” Calum blinks. “Did you do that on<em> purpose</em>?”
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Ashton chuckles, sweet and clear. “Do you really think I fuck people that often?”</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>“Well, I don’t know! You totally could, look at you.”</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>“Well, thanks? But no, I don’t. So, yeah, I said that on purpose, but I don’t think he heard me,” Ashton pouts.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
And Calum has to laugh despite himself, because, well. That’s a very Ashton thing to do. Would have made fans lose their minds alright. Just like the pictures of them holding hands did. Everyone lost their shits. Maybe Calum did, too. Just a little bit. Because that was weird. They looked like a fucking <em>couple</em>. Which was the point, he knows, he started the damn thing, but-
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>“I think we should try one of your stunts again, Cal.”</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>“What, you missed holding my hand? Wanna do it again?” he jokes, because that seems to be the mood today.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Ashton shakes his head. “No, that would be boring. Here.”</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>He hands Calum his drink, which, okay? Calum reaches for it, but Ashton shakes his head no again. “No, just take a sip.”</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Calum raises an eyebrow, skeptic, but does as he’s told, getting hit with the sour taste of strong black coffee in a second. It’s not his favourite, but he likes it enough, so he takes a bigger sip, not thinking about the fact that the straw was in Ashton’s mouth just a minute ago. They used to share drinks all the time when they were younger. Nothing weird about it.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>Maybe a bit weird for two grown men to do in public, though. Calum can clearly hear the clicking this time, and he tries not to look at the camera smugly himself. He manages to look everywhere but in front of him, but childish excitement spreads through him and he can’t help the way his lips curve upwards slightly. This <em>is</em> fun. He doesn’t think a second before offering his own drink to Ashton when he’s done, even though sharing his hot chocolate would be a sacrilege any other day. But this stupid game is worth it, apparently, and as it is he gets lost in the way Ashton’s chapped lips close around the black straw, the moment stretching infinitely longer than the three seconds it takes Ashton to let go of the straw, face scrunching up in dissatisfaction.</p><p>“Yeah, no, I’ll stick to my coffee. Sorry babe, but our tastes don’t match.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>“Whatever,” Calum shrugs off, the only reason he’s feeling weird because he’s going to have to see this on his social media for days to come, not because of Ashton jokingly calling him babe or because Calum has to put his lips back on where Ashton just put them.</em>
  </em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><b><em>I want someone to look at me the way Calum is looking at Ashton’s lips</em></b>, the top tweet on Calum’s timeline says the next morning, and he closes the app before he can see how <em>exactly</em> Calum is looking at Ashton’s lips.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>3.</b>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Calum is tired.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>He thinks he shouldn’t be, or at least not to the extent that he is. He’s lived life on the road, putting on show after show only to end up sleeping in a not so comfortable bunk bed in a <em>bus</em>, he’s lived life doing promo and having to wake up at four in the morning only to spend the day regurgitating the same words over and over to people who rarely care. He knows what the tiring lifestyle is. It’s not living in his home for months on end, sleeping in and going to the studio in the afternoon and going back home to his bed and his dog whenever he feels like it.</p><p>But for some reason he feels more spent than he has on the last tour, and writing has been taking its toll on him lately. Maybe it’s just because he’s been digging deep in parts of his mind that he hasn’t in a while, or maybe he’s working more than he realizes. He does tend to go on for months without noticing that he’s putting work before his health, as people have kindly pointed out to him multiple times. Whatever it is, it’s all a bit too much, and he’s been missing home too, lately, his parents and his sister and <em>Sydney</em>. Where Michael is right now. Lucky bastard. Not only does he get to be there, but he's going to be a pain in the ass when he comes back and half of what they've written doesn't please him.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>It's whatever. Not a big deal, and not like they aren't used to that.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Anyway he’s tired like he’s been for weeks and it’s the middle of January and he’s cold and this fucking pap has been here for the past however long it's been since they got to the coffee shop, Calum can see him through the window, and he thinks he understands how Ashton has been feeling about this because he wants nothing more than to be left alone right now. He looks like he hasn’t slept in days even though he just had a whole nine hours of sleep, and he doesn't feel like some guy taking away some of his control.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>He just wants to hide under his beanie and disappear for a little bit. Not be perceived by anybody.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>“Don't think about him,” Ashton says softly, still reading Calum's thoughts apparently. “Just look at me.”</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>“Oh wow, you're truly a sight for sore eyes,” he tries to joke, but it comes out pathetic, voice unsteady.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>He’s not going to cry, that would be embarrassing. Not that Ashton would judge, or that he wouldn’t understand, but Calum isn’t a crier. He’s cultivated other ways to express his pain or sadness. None of which he’s feeling at the moment, which just makes it all worse. He doesn’t want to cry because he’s <em>tired</em>, of all things.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>He shouldn’t have come out here. He should have stayed in bed longer to wallow in his made up misery, should have said that he wasn’t feeling well.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>But the thing is, Ashton knows that already. Ashton knows, because Ashton knows everything about him, just like Calum knows everything about Ashton. It’s just how it works between the two of them, that's no secret to anybody. The number of times the other half of the band have teased them for it is too high for him to keep up with. It's like they don't realize that they're the exact same way, if not worse. Okay, maybe not worse, actually. Calum is self aware enough to know he and Ashton are another level of <em>connected.</em> It's scary to think about, sometimes, and it doesn’t always make sense, either, but more often than not it's just comforting, knowing there's someone who just <em>knows</em> without him having to say anything.</p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>Calum also knows it’s the precise reason why he’s sat here in the same old Starbucks they like to go to with him. Ashton wanted to get him out of his own head, which Calum appreciates, but it hasn't been working much so far.</em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>“Order for Ashton,” the barista shouts from the counter, which makes Calum realise that they haven’t been here that long.</em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>“I’ll wait for yours to be done, ‘kay buddy?” Ashton says, and Calum nods, throwing a small smile his way.</em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>He watches on as Ashton walks towards the counter gracefully, his steps light, before coming to a stop and leaning against the smaller table where his drink is waiting. His muscles flex lazily when he runs a hand through his hair, shirt tightening at the shoulder and tattoos on display, and Calum sighs internally at the very appealing sight. Maybe that’s one other problem he’s been avoiding.</em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>Not that it’s an actual issue, but his brain has been acting like it is.</em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p><p>But for about three months, since that first, <em>harmless</em> stunt, the world has been thinking they’re dating, and neither of them has taken it upon themselves to correct anybody, because it was fun. It was fun texting each other the fans’ excessive reactions that ranged from <em>I fucking knew it</em> to <em>what the fuck I didn’t see that coming</em>. It was fun when they started doing it again and again, holding hands or sharing drinks — making sure to order something both of them would like this time — whenever a pap showed up and the internet kept going batshit crazy over it.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>Mostly it’s been fun feeling like they had control over the situation. Nobody knows they’re being fucked with. Those paps think they’re getting exclusive content of the "newly out and proud 5sos couple", as many magazine outlets have described them, when in fact they’re just putting on a show and going back to their separate houses at night.</em>
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</p><p>But that’s the thing. It <em>was</em> fun. Or, it still is, kind of, but it’s mostly confusing now, too.</p><p>Because, if at first seeing those pictures made Calum laugh at how ridiculous the situation was, now he can’t look at them without thinking about the softness of Ashton’s hand and how well it fits in his. And, okay. Calum is ready to admit that lately he’s been liking the feeling of Ashton’s body pressed up against his when they cuddle in the studio or on Calum’s couch, and that he may or may not have had fun in the shower thinking of Ashton’s lips and hands on him before. But that’s <em>different</em>. This is nothing but his body missing the presence of another man against him. This is physical, and completely normal. It happens to everybody.</p><p>Sure, maybe he’s never thought of Luke or, god forbid, <em>Michael</em> that way, but that’s just because they aren’t his type. And also because they haven’t been here that often to occupy his mind. And because they haven’t been holding his hand or feeding him coffee.</p><p>Okay, fine, he’s a little fucked. He thought about telling Ashton to stop with these stunts; to go on Twitter and say <em>“haha, big joke you fools, you really fell for it”</em> but that would be strange and Ashton would ask questions Calum doesn’t have answers to. And, fuck, maybe Calum fell for it somewhere along the way, too.</p><p>
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        <em>It can be okay though, right? He’s just having a regular ol' friendly crush on his best friend, no big deal. It’ll go away in no time.</em>
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        <em>“And one hot chocolate for Cal,” Ashton singsongs, shaking him out of his thoughts as he leans against the table but doesn't sit back down across from him. “Should we go?”</em>
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        <em>Calum frowns. “We just got here.”</em>
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</p><p>“I know,” Ashton says, “but I just remembered something I wanted to show you on the drums, and I don’t really want to forget about it. So, wanna come back to mine and chill?”</p><p>He’s ninety-nine percent sure Ashton didn’t just remember that, that he’s just letting Calum know he’s caught onto the fact that he isn’t comfortable here, even if he doesn’t know the reason why, so that he doesn’t have to say it himself. “Sure,” Calum says because he’s not about to correct him. He really wants to go back home. Even if it’s to Ashton’s. Same thing.</p><p>Ashton puts his jacket back on and they leave, drinks in hand, Calum shivering when the cold hits him.</p><p>“Feel like getting some control back?” Ashton asks when they start down the street and the camera follows them. It’s what they’ve been asking before doing this recently. It’s their own little inside joke, and Calum doesn’t remember when exactly they started saying it, but it reminds him why they’re holding hands and all that shit, so he’s glad for it.</p><p>“Sure,” he agrees, because part of him doesn’t think it’s a good idea, but the other part of him <em>does</em> want some control back. Especially today. He’d rather have people focus on he and Ashton holding hands than on the desolate look on his face.</p><p>He holds out his hand, the way they do, and Ashton hisses when he takes it in his. “Jesus, you’re freezing!”</p><p>“Yeah, sorry,” Calum apologizes half-heartedly. “Should have brought a bigger coat.”</p><p>"Why didn't you?"</p><p>Calum shrugs. "Not really what was on my mind."</p><p>"Wanna talk about what <em>was</em> on your mind? Still is?"</p><p>"I– no, not really."</p><p>“Okay,” Ashton says, pensive, and Calum isn’t sure it’s a good thing. “I have an idea.” Yeah, not a good thing.</p><p>Ashton doesn’t wait for him to agree, lets go of Calum’s hand, taking the newfound warmth away with it before getting closer and sliding his arm under Calum’s jacket and around his waist, settling there nicely. It probably shouldn’t feel this nice, and maybe ten minutes ago Calum would be having a breakdown over it, but right now warmth is spreading in his veins, making him a bit dizzy with it for a second before he relaxes, and it’s all he could have wanted today.</p><p>“Oh,” he whispers when Ashton squeezes his waist, and when Calum looks up at him he’s already looking at him, smiling softly and a knowing look on his face that Calum doesn’t feel like instigating.</p><p>“Better?” Ashton asks. He could be asking about the cold, or about the all seeing eyes down the road, or about his general state, but the answer would be the same. Calum nods, and the hand on his waist gives another little squeeze.</p><p>Calum takes a sip of his cooling drink to hide his own smile, and decides, <em>what the hell</em>, and throws his own arm around Ashton’s waist, almost stepping on Ashton’s foot with how close they are.</p><p>They fall into a comfortable rhythm, sipping on their drinks in silence. There’s a high chance Calum will freak out once the pictures hit the internet and he has to look at them and wish this were what it seems, but for now he merely refrains from resting his head on Ashton’s shoulder as he feels the stress leaving his body.</p><p>If their bodies remain attached long after the cameras are gone, and if Ashton insists on keeping him close for the rest of the day as they go over ideas for a song or two to make Calum feel better, which ends up working, well. No one needs to know.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>4.</b>
</p><p>“Hey,” Michael greets Calum through the phone, “what’s up?”</p><p>“I think I’m going crazy,” Calum says.</p><p>“Okay. Care to elaborate?”</p><p>Calum sighs, kicks a stone with his foot, watching it until it falls off the sidewalk and disappears into the manhole. Then starts kicking another one.</p><p>“Have you ever had feelings for someone you really shouldn’t have feelings for?” he asks in one breath, focusing on the stones and not on the way his heart starts hammering in his chest at his own words. It’s the first time he’s saying them out loud.</p><p>“Mike?” he says when the other end of the line remains silent for too long.</p><p>“Yeah, sorry. It's just– Is this about Ash?”</p><p>Calum almost trips on his own feet, losing the stone he was playing with. He watches as it falls off into the gutter, not enough momentum to reach the manhole this time.</p><p>“What– I mean,” he stutters, cheeks flushing when a woman frowns at him when she passes him. “Why would you think it’s about him?”</p><p>“Mate,” Michael says, exasperated, “you think I haven’t seen all those pictures? You literally look at him like he hangs the moon, or whatever.”</p><p>“No I don’t.” Maybe he does.</p><p>Michael sighs. “Whatever you say. Why are you asking? Did something happen?”</p><p>“No. Maybe. I don’t know. I think I’m going crazy.”</p><p>“You said that already.” Calum can hear the sound of a door opening and closing, and then it sounds like Michael is outside, too. Probably enjoying his extended Australian vacation in the sun. Calum is in the sun, too, but he can't feel its heat because it’s still <em>winter</em> here.</p><p>“Sorry. I wish I could be with you back home,” Calum deflects.</p><p>“Wish you could be here, too,” Michael agrees. “But don't change the subject.”</p><p>Calum sighs. “Ashton is flirting with the barista.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Shit, man. That sucks. I'm sorry.”</p><p>“You shouldn’t be,” Calum whispers. He hopes Michael can still pick up what he’s saying. “He can do whatever he wants, it’s not like we’re actually together or something.”</p><p>“But you want to be?”</p><p>And that’s the question, isn’t it? Calum has been pondering it for weeks, and he keeps wondering why the answer can’t be a simple no. It was fine when he thought he was just into Ashton’s body with a tiny little crush. Well, it wasn’t <em>fine</em> fine, but at least it didn’t seem like it was a hopeless situation.</p><p>Until today, apparently.</p><p>And today had started great. Calum had woken up on the right side of the bed, ready to seize the world after a big breakfast, and he hadn’t even cared when a bunch of paps started following he and Ashton from their lot. He’d just ignored them, holding Ashton’s hand tightly in his like it was the most normal thing in the world to do. He hadn’t even thought about how it was anything <em>but</em> normal, cheerful, happy to revel in the comfort walking down the street with their hands linked together brought him.</p><p>Nothing could put him out of his bubble. Or so he thought.</p><p>The reality check hit him the minute they stepped foot into the Starbucks. It was almost empty, which was a bit unusual for a Friday morning but more than welcome, and the new, young, <em>pretty</em> barista had greeted them both excitedly, but she only had eyes for Ashton. And shit, it looked like Ashton only had eyes for her, too.</p><p>She'd chatted him up while she prepared their drinks, and she still did when they got their drinks and they stayed at the counter to drink them, and Ashton kept answering her earnestly, charming grin on his face and everything. And fucking hell, Calum had felt his stomach tighten in knots at the scene, unexpected jealousy clawing at his throat, because god help him, apparently he gets possessive of things that aren’t his. He’d uttered a quick apology about Michael calling him, excusing himself to go outside when he felt like he couldn't handle it.</p><p>Which is why he’s here, hopefully hidden from the cameras, kicking away at stones and his stomach still full of knots. And calling Michael, because he said he was gonna be talking to him anyway, so why not?</p><p>“I don’t know,” he says to Michael's question. “I think maybe I do.”</p><p>“Okay. What do you wanna do about it?”</p><p>“It doesn’t matter what I wanna do about it, Mike.” A couple passes by him, looking giddy and happy, and Calum wants to throw a stone at them. If he's fated to have feelings for his very hot but also very-not-into-him <em>bandmate</em>, well they can't be together, either. “Did you not hear what I just said? He’s flirting with some random hot chick.”</p><p>“Is he really, though?” Michael asks.</p><p>“What does that mean?”</p><p>“I’m just saying. Ash is, like, a social butterfly. And like I said, I’ve seen the pictures.”</p><p>Calum frowns, kicks another stone. He winces, muttering a quick apology to the man it hits in the shin. To Michael, he says, “What does <em>that</em> mean?”</p><p>“I think that’s for you to figure out.”</p><p>“Mike, come on,” Calum whines. “Help me out, here.”</p><p>“You’re just gonna say I’m crazy, so no,” Michael says, and from the corner of his eye Calum can see Ashton coming out of the shop, a frown on his face and both drinks in his hands, and girl-free. Obviously. She’s working, she's not gonna leave <em>now</em>. “I think you should talk to him, though.”</p><p>Calum huffs. “Yeah, right. In what world is that a good idea?”</p><p>“I’m just saying-”</p><p>“Mike, Ash is here,” he cuts off when Ashton comes up to him, handing him his drink. Calum takes it with a small smile. “Gotta go. Talk to you later?”</p><p>“Sure. Have fun.”</p><p>“Doubt it. See ya.”</p><p>He pockets his phone before taking a sip, grimacing when the liquid hits his throat and it’s cooler than he would like it. It’ll have to do.</p><p>“What did Mike want?” Ashton asks when they start walking. Calum has long lost count of how many conversations they’ve had walking that same trail. Must be in the hundreds.</p><p>“Nothing important, just wanted to catch up,” Calum lies, but it’s the kind of thing Michael does, so Ashton doesn’t bat an eye. “Got yourself a date?” he asks, trying to sound happy for him.</p><p>Ashton raises an eyebrow before erupting into laughter. “You thought that was what was happening there?”</p><p>“Yes?” Calum frowns.</p><p>“Wow. You really are clueless."</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"Nevermind. You know what, you’re not <em>completely</em> wrong, she did give me her number. But there’s no way I’m calling her back.”</p><p>“Why?” Calum asks.</p><p>“Dude,” Ashton blinks, “she looked like she was no older than nineteen, are you crazy?”</p><p>Calum feels his stomach tighten even more. “Is that the only reason?”</p><p>“Do I need another reason?”</p><p>“No,” Calum says a bit tightly, hoping to let the topic die.</p><p>Please let it die. He doesn’t want to think about the fact that Ashton would have been all over that girl if she was older.</p><p>Thankfully Ashton seems to agree.</p><p>“Oh my god,” he swears, and Calum can see how hard he’s rolling his eyes and it’s almost comical. “Fucking paps have been here since we left. I thought they’d be gone by now, don’t they have enough material?”</p><p>“Feel like getting some control back?” Calum asks before thinking, because it’s what they do.</p><p>“Got any ideas? Feel like holding hands will do nothing for me right now.”</p><p>And Calum does have an idea. It’s been in his head since he saw that couple earlier, and it’s a terrible idea because he knows he wants to do it just out of some misplaced form of jealousy or possessiveness or whatever, but it’s also a fucking good idea. A bit more forward than what they’ve done before, but still casually intimate. But mostly it’s a terrible idea. Ashton might think he’s crazy.</p><p>“Put your hand on my ass.”</p><p>“Wait what? Really?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>They continue walking and Ashton doesn’t do anything, so Calum looks to him to see if it really was too much to ask. But Calum knows Ashton, and the look on his face doesn’t say <em>‘I’m not okay with this’</em>. It’s just unsure, the way he’s unsure when <em>he</em> asks someone else to do him a favour.</p><p>“Come on, do it, it’s okay” Calum presses, hoping he doesn’t sound like he’s pleading.</p><p>“Are you sure?"</p><p>“Yes,” Calum assures. “That will make them lose their minds, won’t it?” he says as if that’s the reason why he’s asking for it.</p><p>“Like that?” Ashton asks right before Calum feels a very familiar, very large hand spread out over his left cheek before giving it a tight squeeze and not letting go.</p><p>Calum can feel himself getting hot and his body going up on its tiptoes at the motion, almost freezing in place, but Ashton doesn’t stop walking so he forces himself to go on. Fuck, okay. It’s not exactly what he had in mind, he thought Ashton would just… rest his hand there or put it in his back pocket or something, not grab a handful of his ass like he means it, but Calum nods nonetheless, hoping his cheeks are still the right colour.</p><p>The three paps — he has no clue why there needs to be three, but whatever — are getting closer, shameless, clicking away restlessly and shit, the rush of adrenaline that Calum is hit with at the thought of the entire world seeing these pictures shouldn’t feel so good. Everyone is going to see them like this, see Ashton’s hand on him and think <em>yeah, Calum belongs to Ashton</em>, which will make them think that <em>Ashton</em> belongs to Calum, and fucking hell.</p><p>This thought might be getting him a bit too excited, and the blood in his body doesn’t know whether to rush to his cheeks or down south. Ashton’s hand feels unspeakably nice here, falsely possessive and almost big enough to grip his entire ass cheek. Calum finds himself thinking that if Ashton were to grip harder he could bear the mark of it for days, and that also doesn’t help the blood decide where to go. <em>Calm down, Cal,</em> he tells himself, <em>there are cameras on you.</em></p><p>This is still fucking weird. He doesn’t want to have feelings for Ashton. This is just going to complicate everything, and he doesn’t think he’s ready to deal with that. And no, he will<em> not</em> talk about it with Ashton, this might be the worst of Michael’s terrible ideas. But fuck if he doesn’t feel absolutely amazing right now, like he’s got everything he wants and, well, he’s sure going to enjoy it before another reality check comes knocking at the door. Ashton himself is grinning, and it feels awfully satisfying, sharing this together even if Ashton's elated for different reasons (though a voice that sounds weirdly like Michael tells him that he can’t <em>possibly</em> be this happy just because he can mess with paps, but he elects to ignore it).</p><p>“We should do that more often,” Ashton says into his ear, grin still discernible in his voice, making the hairs on the back of Calum’s neck rise.</p><p>Calum agrees under his breath, but Ashton doesn’t have to know that he’d give anything to “do that” when they’re alone in Ashton’s house.</p><p>
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<b><em>Flirting with the barista, my ass</em></b>, Michael sends him two days later with a picture attached to it.
</p><p>Calum ignores him. And the picture.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>5.</b>
</p><p>Seeing 5 Seconds of Summer on billboards will never cease to amaze Calum.</p><p>Their new movie-slash-documentary for the No Shame Tour has been on Netflix for five days, and it seems they’ve caught the world’s attention. Calum is glad, all four of them are. This tour last year was fucking phenomenal. The fans were incredible, as always, all over the world, and them as a band were better live than ever before. Calum doesn’t know what it was exactly. Obviously they’d grown into themselves and into the band and they’d practiced and practiced relentlessly, but it wasn’t that. Their musicianship as a four piece has always been good, even in the beginning stages where they were still trying to find their footing, and Calum stands by that.</p><p>But there was <em>something</em>, last year, a spark that wasn’t there before, or at least not as bright. It’s like they were truly one, an unbreakable unit that was here to take the stage by storm, and that’s exactly what they did. And Calum is fucking extatic that they caught a part of it and that the world is getting to see it as well as their thoughts on the process of making <em>CALM</em> and creating the best live show they’ve ever made.</p><p>And now it’s up on the billboards everywhere in L.A. and people <em>are</em> seeing it, and loving it beyond Calum’s expectations. Which is fucking awesome.</p><p>It also means going outside right now is kind of hectic.</p><p>It’s the first time any of them are just out and about since the movie was released. They’d been doing promo in L.A. for the past few days, but mostly radio shows early in the morning, more formal and organized. But today is a day off and Calum and Ashton had decided, as usual, to head out for a morning coffee — or hot chocolate, in Calum’s case, but that's just details — but as it turned out, they didn’t even make it to the coffee shop before they were assailed by paps or journalists or whatever they are, a group of fans crowding around them straight afterwards.</p><p>And they can’t get past them. Ashton had whispered to him to go on and get inside the nearest shop, but they can’t even move, and Calum feels like it’s 2014 again as he and Ashton are being bombarded with questions.</p><p>“How does it feel to have everyone talking about you guys again?”</p><p>“Are you gonna release new music soon?”</p><p>“Did Michael get married in secret?”</p><p>And on it goes. Ashton answers the most relevant ones, and Calum figures, at least it’s free promo, but as it turns out it’s <em>not</em> 2014 and he’s not nineteen anymore and when he got out of his house fifteen minutes ago he wasn’t prepared for this and now he’s getting overwhelmed. It’s hard to focus on his breathing and not on all the noise invading his eardrums and the camera flashes hurting his eyes and the high-pitched screams. He was ready to run into a fan or two, maybe daydream about Ashton in peace (and maybe cry about it a little in his mind) while they locked arms or whatever, but nothing else.</p><p>Speaking of which, Ashton must be feeling him unravelling a little on the side because he slides his arm around Calum’s back all of a sudden, comforting hand settling on his waist and effectively steadying Calum.</p><p>“You alright?” Ashton says softly in his ear, and Calum nods, because he is now.</p><p>And then he notices the quiet that’s taken place around them.</p><p>Calum looks up, and both the journalists and the fans' gazes are fixed either on Ashton’s hand holding his waist or on their bodies practically blending into each other, and shit. Shit, they’re gonna mention it now, and Calum and Ashton never had to deal with that. They still haven’t talked about it, not once. Interviewers the past few days were told not to ask, but these people haven’t signed any contracts, and this is their perfect opportunity, cause he and Ashton literally can’t run away from it now.</p><p>“Shit,” Ashton says, probably realizing what they’ve gotten themselves into.</p><p>“What is it like to date one of your bandmates?” Someone asks, breaking the silence, and then the questions start flowing.</p><p>Calum can’t process any of them. They all blend into this messy, unintelligible mess of noise ringing in Calum’s ears. His heart is hammering in his chest, so hard Ashton has to be feeling it where he’s pressed up against him and– shit. <em>Shit</em>, Ashton’s gonna know something’s up and he’s gonna ask what and Calum is a terrible liar. Ashton will find out just from looking at him and he’ll hate Calum for ruining their little game and it’ll break up the band and Luke and Michael didn't ask for this and–</p><p>“What do you say to the people who think your relationship is nothing more than a PR stunt?” One of them asks, and that  gets Calum’s attention. Ashton’s, too, if the way his body tenses up is any indication.</p><p>“What?” Ashton says, and when Calum looks up at him his brow is furrowed.</p><p>“Yes,” another pap jumps in. “You’ve never acknowledged it, and besides we haven’t seen you two together for more than a month, and now here you are again when your movie releases?”</p><p>The same questions come in and Calum thinks <em>‘yes’</em>. He wants to get himself out of this situation, because no matter how good it feels holding Ashton’s hand or walking with their arms around each other or when Ashton holds him close like he is now, it isn’t <em>real</em> and if he thinks too hard about it his heart starts to break. He wants to say <em>‘you’re right, this is all fake, just not for PR purposes, we were just annoyed at you assholes invading our privacy all the fucking time’</em>.</p><p>He wants to say it, and he’s about to, but he’s barely opened his mouth when Ashton interrupts him.</p><p>“Well,” Ashton starts, and everyone becomes silent again. “I would like to say to everyone who thinks this isn’t real, that I’m very much in love with Calum.” Calum’s heart goes crazy at that, and he wonders how it hasn’t escaped from his ribcage yet. Ashton goes on, voice hard. “And I think you have no right to question that. You’re not in my head. Or in my heart.”</p><p>“What do you have to say to that, Calum?”</p><p>“Huh.” What <em>does</em> he have to say to that?</p><p>Fuck, but this is painful. <em>In love</em>. Calum hadn’t let himself think those words, but it’s exactly what he’s been feeling, he knows it, and Ashton said them, and they aren’t real. But he’s trying to convince everyone they are, and Calum’s brain is hearing them loud and clear and he wants to believe it, too, but <em>fuck</em>, what is happening?</p><p>“Calum?” they ask again, but Calum doesn’t know what to say. He should say it back, if he wants to keep this façade and not make Ashton look like a fool, but he’s scared Ashton will hear the truth of it in his voice. But if he doesn’t say anything it’s not gonna be okay, either, and shit, what can he do?</p><p>As always when lost he looks towards Ashton for help, trying to say with his eyes what he can’t say with his voice, that he’s confused and needs guidance.</p><p>Ashton understands, because of course he does, and he gives Calum a slight smile as he squeezes his waist reassuringly before turning towards him, his other hand cupping Calum’s jaw and getting closer, eyes searching Calum’s for an answer, but Caum doesn’t even know what the question is. He brings his hand to Ashton’s on his face, holding onto his wrist and stroking the skin slowly. He’s saying yes, to what he doesn’t know, but he needs Ashton to call the shots anyway, so he can’t do anything but agree.</p><p>He probably shouldn’t have.</p><p>Before he knows what to do Ashton’s face gets closer to his and then his lips are on his, and Calum hears the sound of clicking and enthusiastic cries before he can register the feeling of Ashton’s mouth on his. It’s like time stops all of a sudden. The only information getting to Calum’s brain is that he’s got lips on his in the middle of the streets and they’re <em>Ashton’s</em> lips, the ones he’s let himself dream of tasting way too often these past few months.</p><p>Calum tries not to too obviously freak out. He can’t show that to the cameras or this would be all for nothing. Why would Calum be having an existential crisis because of his boyfriend kissing him? So he focuses on Ashton’s grounding hand on his face, on his familiar scent, and on his lips, soft but firm, and he lets himself melt into it, lets himself enjoy it as he kisses back. He puts all of his feelings into the kiss, and he desperately hopes Ashton won’t be able to pick up on it, but he can’t help it. This is a trap, and he knows it, but his heart still falls for it, baited by the warmth of Ashton's lips and the sign reading <em>home</em> above Ashton’s head.</p><p>But too soon he’s pulled back from his safety net as Ashton leans back, far enough so that they can look at each other, but close enough that Calum can still feel Ashton’s breath on his lips, still all tingly from being kissed. Calum is breathing way too loud, but it's okay because Ashton is, too, though it may only sound that way because they’re standing so close to each other. Ashton’s eyes are so clear and absolutely mesmerizing from here, Calum can feel himself getting lost in them more with each second that passes.</p><p>“They were getting suspicious,” Ashton whispers against his mouth as an explanation before giving him a quick peck where his mouth meets his cheek. </p><p>Calum blinks, thrown back out into the real world just like that, heart dropping to the sole of his feet.</p><p>“Okay,” Ashton says, turning to the sea of cameras again. “Now my boyfriend and I would like to go back home if you would be so kind as to let us leave.”</p><p>Maybe it’s the finality to his tone, or maybe the paps are happy with the material they have — Jesus-Christ but between all of them they must have hundreds of closeups of Calum and Ashton locking lips — but either way they start to leave one by one, allowing them both to make their way back home after a quick wave goodbye for the fans.</p><p>“That was a lot, are you okay?” Ashton asks when they’re out of hearing distance, arm still around Calum.</p><p>“Guess so.”</p><p>“Sorry we didn’t get to our drinks.”</p><p>“It’s cool,” Calum shrugs. He can’t bring himself to look at Ashton. This might have been a line they shouldn’t have crossed. This was too close to what Calum can never have.</p><p>“I can make something for you at home?” Ashton offers.</p><p>“No,” Calum refuses, a bit too harshly, and the arm around his waist disappears.</p><p>“Cal–”</p><p>“It’s okay,” Calum reassures, and he hopes Ashton believes him even if it's not true. “I just– yeah. I wanna go home, if that’s okay. To my house.”</p><p>"I don't– I'm sorry, okay? I should have asked first–"</p><p>"Ash, I told you, it's fine. Can you drop it?</p><p>“Sure,” Ashton agrees, but Calum can hear the hurt in his voice, and that makes his heart break again.</p><p>The walk back home has never been so silent, but Calum’s mind is full of voices screaming <em>‘in love with Calum’</em> and <em>‘it wasn’t real’</em>.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>+1</b>
</p><p>“Home, sweet home,” Ashton mumbles next to him when they get out of the taxi and into the street leading to his mom’s house. Calum hums in agreement, even though ‘home’ just spent the whole fifteen hour flight sleeping on his shoulder.</p><p>They’re starting promo for the film in Australia in three days, but Ashton had wanted to go see his family for a bit beforehand. Calum happened to be in the room when Ashton had told Anne-Marie he was about to buy his plane tickets for the next day, and she’d asked if Calum was coming over, too, and she’d seemed so excited at the prospect that Calum hadn’t had the heart to say no.</p><p>“You’re just hurting yourself,” Michael had said after Calum had complained about it thirty minutes later on the phone. “You should say you have something to take care of here, she’ll understand.”</p><p>“No, you know what, I'm just being a baby. It won't be that bad.”</p><p>“What won't? Spending forty-eight hours at Ashton’s house? You guys have been so tense lately.”</p><p>‘Lately’ meaning since the kiss incident two weeks before.</p><p>And, well. Maybe Michael was exaggerating a little. They haven’t been <em>that</em> tense. It’s not as if they were avoiding each other or anything like that. They’ve been spending time just the two of them. But, Calum will admit, it’s been bit a little… awkward. Like they don’t know how to act around each other, which Calum would have thought impossible a month ago.</p><p>And it’s mostly been Calum’s own fault, he knows it. He’s trying to keep his distance, emotionally, at least. Problem is, he can't seem to stay away from Ashton himself, which is why being with him isn’t always their idea of a good time. They pretend like it is, but something feels off, because Calum just isn’t being himself. He’s not letting himself stand too close or look into Ashton’s eyes too long or run his mouth like he usually would in hope to make his feelings disappear even though it seems like a lost cause at this point, and it’s like a whole part of him isn’t here and Calum-and-Ashton feels more like two seperate people than it ever has.</p><p>They’ve been weird more than tense, but weird is still not great and now Calum is about to spend two days surrounded by Ashton and his family only. And Lauren is awfully perceptive, Calum can only hope she doesn’t pick up on anything going on in his mind concerning her brother.</p><p>“Is your mom gonna be waiting up for us?” Calum asks as they’re making their way down the empty street, his suitcase loud on the pavement. “It’s getting kinda late.”</p><p>“Nah,” Ashton chuckles next to him. “You think 1am is late for my mom? She’d still be up even if we weren’t coming here.”</p><p>“That’s fair enough.”</p><p>“I don’t know about Harry and Lauren though,” Ashton mumbles.</p><p>“Ash,” Calum says, and Ashton turns towards him. His eyes look so intensely beautiful under the street lights, and Calum has to swallow past the lump in his throat at the sight. “They love you too much not to wait up for you. I’m sure they’re buzzing with excitement.”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah. When have they not been here when you got home?”</p><p>Ashton hums. “You’re probably right.”</p><p>“I am <em>definitely</em> right.”</p><p>“Awfully confident, aren’t you?” Ashton teases.</p><p>“Why yes, it’s part of my charm. You love it,” Calum teases back, but it’s the wrong thing to say, because the muscles in Ashton’s jaw become stiff suddenly and he turns his head back in front of him as silence settles over them.</p><p>This is exactly why Calum has been watching what he says. Because when he doesn’t <em>that</em> happens, Ashton closing himself up and disappearing into himself, and Calum is left confused and hurt.</p><p>He'd quickly come to the conclusion that Ashton regretted having kissed him once they got home that day. Which– Calum shouldn’t feel hurt by that. He regrets that Ashton kissed him. But he has his reasons.</p><p>He’d spent the day after that replaying the kiss over and over in his head, wishing more than anything that it could have been real and that Ashton hadn’t completely destroyed his heart in front of the entire world. Calum still hasn’t looked at the pictures. He’s been avoiding the internet like the plague, because he doesn’t want to be reminded of it. Seeing Ashton’s hand on his ass was already too much to take.</p><p>He sighs silently, trying to compose himself. He can't look on edge when they get to Ashton's. He could still blame it on jet lag and being tired if he does, but he'd feel too guilty about it. He’s already gonna feel guilty if he and Ashton look like they’d rather be anywhere but with each other.</p><p>“Wait, stop” Ashton says out of nowhere, stopping Calum in his tracks.</p><p>“What– we’re almost at your house.”</p><p>“I know,” Ashton sighs, threading a hand through his tousled hair. “I just. Fuck, Cal, I can’t do this anymore.”</p><p>“Do what?”</p><p>“This,” he parrots, as if that explained anything. “<em>Us</em>, pretending. I can’t– shit. This isn’t– This isn’t how I wanted to do this.”</p><p>"I don"t understand."</p><p>"Of course you don't. I was waiting for you to say something, but you're so dense I think I'd be waiting forever at this point."</p><p>The sound of Ashton’s bag hitting the ground when he drops it almost makes Calum jump before he feels hands cupping his face in a parody of <em>that</em> day. Calum wants to look around, out of habit, but he knows there isn’t anybody but the two of them here. It’s just them, and Calum’s head starts spinning as he loses himself staring into Ashton’s eyes, so close to him. They’re as beautiful and familiar as they’ve always been, but there’s something in there that Calum has never seen before, something honest and vulnerable and it's breathtaking and–</p><p>“What’s happening?” Calum asks in a whisper, ignoring the way his voice trembles.</p><p>It’s strange, and it’s sudden, but somehow Calum feels like he knows exactly what's happening. He can see it in the way Ashton is holding his face like it’s the most precious thing he’s ever touched, in the way Ashton is looking at him, so raw and unsure but determined. He feels like he knows, and like he should have known a long time ago. He just doesn’t want to hope.</p><p>Ashton shuffles closer to him until their bodies are almost touching through their worn airport outfits that they’ve had on for almost twenty four hours, and Calum’s grip on his suitcase tightens as his breath catches in his throat. He doesn’t want to hope, but Ashton is making it hard not to.</p><p>"Ash?"</p><p>“Can I kiss you?” Ashton whispers, so close to his lips it’s as if he were kissing him already.</p><p>“But it’s just us. There’s no cameras,” Calum says.</p><p>“I know.” Ashton smiles softly, thumb stroking Calum’s cheek before sliding to his lower lip, making Calum's breath hitch. “That’s kind of the point.”</p><p>Calum’s heart skips a beat right there because fuck, this can’t be happening, but it is, and before Ashton can ask again Calum bridges the remaining gap between them, lips crashing on Ashton’s a bit too roughly. Ashton doesn’t seem to care. He returns the kiss in stride, his grip on Calum’s face softening to match the way he softens the kiss, lips sliding soft and sweet against Calum’s and it’s crazy how he’s taking control of the kiss so quickly and effortlessly.</p><p>It makes Calum’s entire being turn to mush, and he wonders how he’s still standing when Ashton deepens the kiss slightly, thumbs stroking Calum’s cheeks sweetly. And god, the feeling of belonging is so strong it’s almost overwhelming. This feels nothing like last time. That kiss, that the whole world had gotten to see, had felt good, physically, but it had left a bitter and scary taste in his mouth. This feels like spring after a cold winter, it feels like coming home after wandering lost for years, like Calum’s right where he’s meant to be. He never wants to leave.</p><p>Sadly they do need to breathe at some point, leaning back so they’re still breathing into each other’s mouth, both breathless. Calum can vaguely see the pink tinting Ashton’s cheeks under the yellow street lights.</p><p>“Please,” Ashton pleads against his lips. “Let’s never pretend again. I know you don’t want to, either.”</p><p>“Fuck, no. Never again.”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah. No more of this bullshit. I'm sorry I was so dumb.”</p><p>Ashton groans. "I don't wanna insult you, but you really were. I can't believe you didn't get it when I basically groped you in front of the entire world and told you I wanted to do it more."</p><p>"I–" Calum stutters. "I mean, I can't argue with that, can I? Sorry."</p><p>"It's all good," Ashton chuckles. "Doesn't matter anymore."</p><p>With one last short but searing kiss Ashton leans back entirely, a satisfied look on his face. Probably at how well-kissed Calum must look. Calum doesn’t have time to feel embarrassed about it. He’s too happy for that, and anyway Ashton throws his bag back over his shoulder before holding his hand out to Calum. The way he has about a dozen times. <em>Let’s never pretend again.</em></p><p>Calum takes hold of it, squeezes it tight with purpose, and they walk like that, stealing almost shy glances at each other every few seconds. It’s ridiculous, as if they haven’t been friends for almost ten years, as if they haven’t been pretending to be together for months — in hindsight, it really feels like an incredibly stupid thing to have done — and as if they didn’t just share the best fucking kiss Calum’s ever had. But it’s sweet, and Calum feels light and free when they stop on Ashton’s mom’s front porch.</p><p>“I gotta admit something to you,” Ashton says after too long just standing there in front of the door and not knocking.</p><p>“What?” Should he get scared?</p><p>“I, huh.” Ashton lets out a nervous chuckle, scratches at the back of his head. “I never told my mom it wasn’t real. Before.”</p><p>“You what?”</p><p>“Yeah, sorry. So, she already kind of thinks I’m coming home with my boyfriend?”</p><p>“Is that what I am? Your boyfriend.” Calum asks, trying not to grin too hard. He probably fails.</p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>“If you want to be.”</p><p>“Of course I do.”</p><p>“Good.” Ashton takes his hands in his. Calum will never get tired of it. “Cause I wasn’t lying last time.”</p><p>“About what?”</p><p>“I love you,” Ashton breaths out like he just can’t keep it in any longer. “Fuck, Cal I love you with my entire soul, I have for a long fucking time. So much it hurts sometimes. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. Loving you is the best thing that could have ever happened to me.”</p><p>Calum blinks, heart swelling with happiness. “I– shit. Ash, I don’t know what– I love you, too. And I didn’t know, before all this. I was clueless, but it must have been there, waiting to burst out of me all these years.”</p><p>“Well, would you look at that,” Ashton smiles. “Two fools in love. Sounds about right.”</p><p>“Yeah, it does.”</p><p>“Kiss me again?”</p><p>Calum does, because Ashton asks and because Ashton <em>loves</em> him, Ashton is in love with him and he doesn’t want to pretend and he <em>loves</em> him, fuck. So Calum kisses him, right here on his mother’s doorstep, sweet and gentle, and Calum couldn’t be happier that they’ll get to keep this moment to themselves.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>kudos/comments are greatly appreciated! </p><p>this is where i would plug my tumblr bUT guess what i don't have it anymore so no chatting but hey if you read it this far ily thank you &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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